Sin.

I think I have a messed up understanding of sin.
I have all the head knowledge. I know sin is wrong, and it disgusts God. And that no one sin is any worse then another sin. I don't know, I feel like that's what you need to understand.

But I never made the habit of keeping track, of paying attention to every time I sin in order to ask God for forgiveness for specific sins. I guess it's because I know He'll say yes and forgive me, and that I'm already forgiven for everything I have done and will do. I think that's right at least, so somehow that takes the weight of sin off. That's a bad thing.

Also, those noticeable and remarkably wrong things are not my most common sins. It's more the subtle things, like thoughts and attitudes where I sin often. I never made that habit of catching it, and stopping to ask God for forgiveness. Someone once told me I couldn't go to heaven because of that. If you don't keep up with sin, hate it and have a heart of repentance about it, then Jesus' sacrifice doesn't cover you. That's what he said. I don't agree. I was gonna say that you just gotta believe! But then again, I don't think you get to heaven if you believe that Jesus was once a real person, or believe that there is a God. You gotta know the whole story, gotta understand sin, and holiness, and forgiveness and reconciliation. I think it's a fundamental part of the whole concept of Jesus and God and our relationship that I'm not understanding. Because if I did, I would be acting different I think. If I saw sin the way God saw sin, and if I thought of myself as the unholy, sinner person that I am, then I would feel the guilt of sin, be humbled and be broken before God over my sin, but I have never felt that. I've felt guilty before, but I've never been face-down broken and in awe of God's mercy and grace to forgive me. It's never held that magnitude. But I get it! In my head, I understand that this is HUGE. That this is everything. But my heart doesn't reflect that kind of total broken response it should.

I think this is a problem. I think it should be dealt with. I think I should be different.
God, would you show me my sin for what it is? Give me your eyes to see it like you do. Help me understand the separation sin causes between us, and how you are perfectly holy. Totally different than me. Totally pure. I don't feel right about letting sin slide. I know I shouldn't, and I should constantly be watching for it in my life, and I haven't done that, at all. Little sins like allowing a bad attitude or the quickest thoughts are the same as murders and adultery in your eyes. I want to have this right, I want to understand you for what you are. I think maybe I'm missing the whole point of it almost. Work with me to set my perspective right in your sight.


My pastor was talking about forgiveness today, and this picture came to mind.
It was of our black sin, and how it's washed away by God's forgiveness because of Jesus. His white forgiveness just pours over our sin, covering it completely. Consuming it, destroying it. And His forgiveness never stops flowing. It is endless, constant, consistent. It's kind of a physical picture I see. Of a black box being swallowed in this river of thick white current. Knowing it'll never run dry, never slow down, never stop, never end. No matter how many black boxes we chuck in the river, there is always enough of it to wash them away. Disintegrate them into nothingness.